I ran into this guy today who used to pop into the church now and then when I was a pastor. He was one of those guys who didn’t really know much about Christianity and didn’t seem to put much effort into it. But he talked a lot about it when he was at church. I remember he used a lot of real sappy spiritual language all the time. He asked how the church was going. I guess he hasn’t been back in a couple of years.
“I’m not the pastor there anymore.”
“Really? Did you go to another church?”
“No man, I don’t do that anymore.”
This dumbfounded him. Like it never crossed his mind that you could be a minister and then not be one. He seemed distressed by the idea.“What do you mean you don’t do that anymore? You took vows and shit, right?”
“Why did you stop?”
I still don’t know how to explain this to people.”I just couldn’t do it anymore. Whatever you need to do that, I ran out of it I guess.”
His shoulder sagged a bit and he looked away.
I had this feeling that I needed to do something more with this encounter. Maybe ask how he was doing spiritually or something. Bu honestly, I don’t even know what that means. And then I got really angry and said “NO!” to myself in a stern voice.
We said we should get together sometime. But I doubt if we will.
I just can’t shake this feeling that somehow I dropped the ball with this encounter. And I feel bad about it. I have to admit that. I do feel badly. And I’m kind of pissed that I feel bad, if that makes any sense. I’m angry that I feel bad. And it makes me not want to run into anyone like this again.
Because right now, I just don’t want to feel bad anymore. When I was a pastor, I felt bad all the time. I was never good enough for Jesus. Never cared enough about people. Never enough.
I hate that shit so much.